Thoughtless for the Day

Salvete margariti sententiae,

Apparently the Super Bowl will be taking place this Sunday. The only reason I know this is because I received an invitation to a Super Bowl party. Since I have no idea who's playing whom, I'm just going to make up two teams: The Atlanta Squirrels and Madison Black Smiths. Now I'm going to make up a score: Squirrels 11, Black Smiths 4. Go Squirrels! Beat the fuckin' shit out of those faggoty Black Smiths.

This lack of acquaintance with the grid iron goings on has made me suspect in the eyes of many of my coworkers: in particular, those who participate in Fantasy Football Leagues.

Now, the one thing I do know about football is that many football players are convicted felons. I know this because, a few years back, I caught an interview on NPR (I've admitted to knowing nothing about football and listening to NPR: Gitmo, here I come!) with a gentleman who'd just authored a book detailing that, at that time, nearly one quarter of all NFL players had criminal records which included felony arrests. In order for this fact to fully sink in, I propose an experiment. If you're reading this in the office (and, after all, that's where I'm writing it), take a quick look around you. What percentage of your coworkers do you think have felony convictions?

Other than Department of Defense contractors (click that link: under-reported story alert!), don't most new hires have to undergo background checks? Shit Luther, I had to pee in cup before the company I work for even allowed me into the lobby. And then they made me take a drug test. Badda Bing.

If you're like me (and I pray regularly to Zeus that you are not), you've been searching for some means through which you can transform your limited knowledge of football into a way of, if not actually enjoying, at least feigning interest in the sport. Here's my modest proposal:

Fantasy Felony Football

The rules are fairly simple: Everyone picks one (1) NFL player. I've chosen Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals * who was recently arrested for and charged with possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm and aggravated assault with a firearm. For getting arrested for three and charged with three (3) felonies, Chris Henry has earned me three (3) points. Thanks Chris. If Chris manages to get convicted, I'll pick up one (1) point for each felony charge for a total of six (6) points. C'mon Chris; you can do it! I believe in you!

At first I thought about making more serious crimes (rape, murder, picketing outside of a Honeybaked Ham store) worth more points than let's say, oh, "Assault with intent to teach the bitch a lesson", but after some reflection this seemed in questionable taste. I also considered writing Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals a letter telling him that I was a very sick little boy (let it go) and that I might not make it unless he committed a few more felonies, but again the question of taste (as well as getting my ass kicked) came up.

OK people, I've already got my three (3) points and you know the rules so, in the words of Antonio Banderas in Desperado, "Let's play!"

* Are tigers native to the greater Ohio region?