A Place Where Nothing Ever Happens
Those of you who missed last night's KYW "news" segment on Heaven probably won't be surprised to learn that it followed the usually script for presenting a story about "unexplained phenomena" (AKA "Bullshit"): Start off with an average Joe who's a true believer (AKA "Sucker"), cut to an "expert" (AKA "Charlatan") who has written a book preying on the hopes of true believers, cut to a real expert who gets a few seconds to state a rational argument against the "mysterious" (AKA "peyote induced") nature of said phenomena, and finally cut back to the average Joe who gets to wrap it all up with "These brainy types can say whatever they want; but I know what I saw was real."
It's the same framework rather the story is about alien abduction, demonic possession, or a USEWE (Unexplained sexual encounter with Elvis). What might surprise you, however, is just how completely asinine the piece was once you flesh it out a little.
Meet the Sucker:
At the tender age of nine, Bob (his last name sounded like "Shutter", but since Channel 3 failed to show the names of anyone appearing in the piece you'll have to settle for just plain "Bob") suffered a traumatic experience that didn't involve a priest, a can of lard, and a series of Polaroid's. While Bob was swimming in a local pond he struck his head and, as Bob tells it "went to Heaven", only to return to terra firma after his older brother pulled him out of the water. Damn him.
OK class, it's time for a pop quiz. What do you think Bob, who suffered a head injury as a child and believes he traveled to the Great Beyond © , does for a living? And I don't want to catch any of you looking at your neighbor's monitor for the answer.
Pencils down.
Bob is a guidance counselor. I bet Bob doesn't advise many young people to pursue careers in Science. While in school, I staunchly refused to seek advice from my guidance counselor on the basis that anyone who had chosen the worst possible vocation was ill prepared to offer me direction on life's highway.
Meet the Charlatan:
His name is Anthony DeStefano. I know his name because Ukee Washington (yes, his name is "Ukee") who narrated the piece did a wonderful job a clearly enunciating the name of the book that DeStefano had written. Then a picture of the book's cover was shown. And then Ukee said the book was a best seller in nineteen countries. Then I shit my pants. Channel 3 will be getting my dry cleaning bill.
Anthony DeStefano's magnum opus that is burning up the best seller charts from Albania to Zimbabwe is titled A Travel Guide To Heaven. You can read a hilariously savage ripping of this waste of perfectly good paper here. Enjoy this snippet:
"... try to deny the unimpeachable sources on the back cover -- Quincy Jones, Regis Philbin, and God help me, Susan Lucci. It's practically an endorsement from the New York Review of Books."
And what makes Anthony DeStefano qualified to give guided tours of Valhalla? Well, according to Ukee, he has a degree in Theology.
Meet the real Expert:
Since Dr. Andrew Newburg doesn't have a fancy degree in Theology, he'll just have to settle for being a neurobiologist. Oddly, Ukee failed to plug Dr. Newburg's book Why God Won't Go Away.
Dr. Newburg then proceeded to explain Bob's "out-of-body" experience by saying that "Brains deprived of oxygen do strange things."
Hmmmmm... Brains deprived of oxygen do strange things...
The Sucker Gets the Last Word...
Back to Bob, who's having none of Dr. Andrew Newburg's (a man so smart that, unlike Anthony DeStefano, nobody snickers or makes fart noises when he uses the words "Doctor" and "Neurobiologist") fancy explanations. Bob knows that he's been to Heaven and isn't just some delusional 'tard who floated facedown in the town swimmin' hole.
...Almost:
Here's where you can contact KYW Channel 3 News and let them know exactly how you feel about this sort of moronic reporting.
foris - outside
tuptw - to strike